Jeff and I decided last July that we were ready (or as ready as you'll ever be) to try to get pregnant. That journey commenced when we were celebrating my 29th birthday during a camping trip to Lawson's Landing. We were sitting around the campfire one night with Buzz drinking wine and roasting marshmellows when we decided to make it official. I had just taken my last birth control pill and decided that the end of this milestone deserved tribute - so we burned my birth control package in the campfire and chatted about what the next year might have in store for us.
At first we said that we weren't really trying per se - but just not "not trying". Whatever that means!! The first month the time when I thought my period would come came and went and secretly I got a bit excited, but was quickly brought back to reality by several negative pregnancy tests. I decided that surely my body must just be re-calibrating after many years of hormone supplements and that this was going to take some time and patience. Eventually I did have my period and although it was late, I was thankful that my body seemed to be functioning as it should be.
About a week or two later, I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to a Labor Day barbeque and had been spotting for a few days prior. I thought - for sure I'm just being paranoid - but let me just check and take another pregnancy test. I continued along with my routine and a few minutes later, glanced down at the test to see that word. . . "pregnant"!!
I immediately opened the door and said "Jeff"!! He came to the bathroom and I showed him the test - he said - "Ok- Don't get too excited - we don't know for sure - maybe we should try again in a couple days to confirm". Not exactly the response I had hoped for, but I was amazed nontheless.
I stared at myself in the mirror and thought - how on earth could this have happened the first month?!! Am I really going to be a mom? We went to the barbeque and I sipped slyly on some rootbeer and avoided the hot tub with my friends. But still I had this nagging feeling that I should call my doctor - this conception seemed weird. Why were all my first pregnancy tests negative?
I went in to work on Monday and called my doctor's office to explain the positive test and my confusion around the timing of everything and I was told to come in for an exam that day. I was impressed at how quickly they responded.
At my appointment, the nurse did an exam and said that my cervix was still closed and that the blood was dried, both of which were good signs. But still I felt like maybe something wasn't right - I think she didn't want to tell me I had a miscarriage until she knew for sure. Even though my head knew there was bad news lurking, my heart didn't want to believe it. That night after the bloodwork results were received, my nurse called to confirm that I did infact have a miscarriage and that what I thought was my period was actually the loss of the pregnancy. She said all the usuals "its really common", "this is nature's way of addressing defective pregnancies", "the good news is that you know you can conceive", etc. She was right - all those things logically made sense - but it was a loss and after all the medical issues that I had the previous year that threatened my fertility - I guess I just felt like I deserved for something to go right. I was ready for the rain cloud to go away.
I never cried about it because it happened so early and I only even knew I was pregnant for a few days, but even still, little things always brought it back. Going to appointments and seeing happy expectant couples, watching others conceive easily or unexpectedly, you name it - there seemed to be lots of reminders that life is not always fair.
With that said, my heart goes out to any woman who has lost pregnancies or struggled to conceive. Some of us talk about it, some of us hold it inside, but either way its hard and at times difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If there is something positive to take from this experience, I think for me it is a deeper appreciation for what it takes to become a mother and a recognition that it truly is a gift.
At first we said that we weren't really trying per se - but just not "not trying". Whatever that means!! The first month the time when I thought my period would come came and went and secretly I got a bit excited, but was quickly brought back to reality by several negative pregnancy tests. I decided that surely my body must just be re-calibrating after many years of hormone supplements and that this was going to take some time and patience. Eventually I did have my period and although it was late, I was thankful that my body seemed to be functioning as it should be.
About a week or two later, I was in the bathroom getting ready to go to a Labor Day barbeque and had been spotting for a few days prior. I thought - for sure I'm just being paranoid - but let me just check and take another pregnancy test. I continued along with my routine and a few minutes later, glanced down at the test to see that word. . . "pregnant"!!
I immediately opened the door and said "Jeff"!! He came to the bathroom and I showed him the test - he said - "Ok- Don't get too excited - we don't know for sure - maybe we should try again in a couple days to confirm". Not exactly the response I had hoped for, but I was amazed nontheless.
I stared at myself in the mirror and thought - how on earth could this have happened the first month?!! Am I really going to be a mom? We went to the barbeque and I sipped slyly on some rootbeer and avoided the hot tub with my friends. But still I had this nagging feeling that I should call my doctor - this conception seemed weird. Why were all my first pregnancy tests negative?
I went in to work on Monday and called my doctor's office to explain the positive test and my confusion around the timing of everything and I was told to come in for an exam that day. I was impressed at how quickly they responded.
At my appointment, the nurse did an exam and said that my cervix was still closed and that the blood was dried, both of which were good signs. But still I felt like maybe something wasn't right - I think she didn't want to tell me I had a miscarriage until she knew for sure. Even though my head knew there was bad news lurking, my heart didn't want to believe it. That night after the bloodwork results were received, my nurse called to confirm that I did infact have a miscarriage and that what I thought was my period was actually the loss of the pregnancy. She said all the usuals "its really common", "this is nature's way of addressing defective pregnancies", "the good news is that you know you can conceive", etc. She was right - all those things logically made sense - but it was a loss and after all the medical issues that I had the previous year that threatened my fertility - I guess I just felt like I deserved for something to go right. I was ready for the rain cloud to go away.
I never cried about it because it happened so early and I only even knew I was pregnant for a few days, but even still, little things always brought it back. Going to appointments and seeing happy expectant couples, watching others conceive easily or unexpectedly, you name it - there seemed to be lots of reminders that life is not always fair.
With that said, my heart goes out to any woman who has lost pregnancies or struggled to conceive. Some of us talk about it, some of us hold it inside, but either way its hard and at times difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If there is something positive to take from this experience, I think for me it is a deeper appreciation for what it takes to become a mother and a recognition that it truly is a gift.
